fuck. 13 days. i have so much shopping and so little money.
all i want to do is pull on some sweats, go to a couple of yoga classes, bake and cook. is that so much to ask? i haven't made homemade noodles since sylvie graced the universe with her presence.
i am tired of people touching me and saying my name or my title granted to me by procreating. if i hear a little voice plaintively wailing in the most nasal of tones, "mom?" i just might lose my shit. which i already have done this week. i have tried to be the most empathetic and nonjudgemental of parents. it has only served to render me into a giant doormat. i now know that the reason my mother was fascist was because that is the only way to get things done when no one in your household has acknowledged any of your requests. it is only when they turn into orders that you warrant attention, albeit negative attention.
i want to curl up with jason and just sleep. is that so much to ask. sleep? i need to be spooned with no expectations. i need someone to hold me, but that isn't going to happen unless there is some sort of quid pro quo. how sad, here i thought i married one of the few enlightened men and it turns out that if you snuggle in too close to anyone with a penis they are going to get the idea that more than cuddling is on the table.
i am resenting the household i live in. i lost my grandma, that just sounds ridiculous like i'll find her at the bakery or something...my grandma died the day after thanksgiving and the one person that i needed to step up and take care of me did the exact opposite. he whined and ignored and spent hours in the garage while i was aching in the house, sick, taking care of his children who were the worst behaved i have ever experienced. i have not stopped in weeks. i am losing her in bits and pieces and i find myself crying at inopportune moments, i.e. sitting on hold at work and huey lewis' "power of love" starts playing.
sylvie asks where she is. every day. what do you say to a 2 year old? according to my mom she would understand if she knew about jesus and angels. what a load of shit. sylvie doesn't accept it when i go in the bathroom and shut the door. i have to figure something out though, she asked my uncle to call grandma the other day so they could talk since she wasn't home. i don't want to reopen wounds for my grandfather and uncle, but i am so touched that sylvie seems to miss her almost as much as i do. and here come the tears....
so i am going to watch "diners, drive-ins, and dives", have a glass of wine, go through the pantry to make sure i have all my cookie making supplies, and hope that i can find time to go to the free yoga class tomorrow.
i want to curl up with jason and just sleep. is that so much to ask. sleep? i need to be spooned with no expectations. i need someone to hold me, but that isn't going to happen unless there is some sort of quid pro quo. how sad, here i thought i married one of the few enlightened men and it turns out that if you snuggle in too close to anyone with a penis they are going to get the idea that more than cuddling is on the table.
i am resenting the household i live in. i lost my grandma, that just sounds ridiculous like i'll find her at the bakery or something...my grandma died the day after thanksgiving and the one person that i needed to step up and take care of me did the exact opposite. he whined and ignored and spent hours in the garage while i was aching in the house, sick, taking care of his children who were the worst behaved i have ever experienced. i have not stopped in weeks. i am losing her in bits and pieces and i find myself crying at inopportune moments, i.e. sitting on hold at work and huey lewis' "power of love" starts playing.
sylvie asks where she is. every day. what do you say to a 2 year old? according to my mom she would understand if she knew about jesus and angels. what a load of shit. sylvie doesn't accept it when i go in the bathroom and shut the door. i have to figure something out though, she asked my uncle to call grandma the other day so they could talk since she wasn't home. i don't want to reopen wounds for my grandfather and uncle, but i am so touched that sylvie seems to miss her almost as much as i do. and here come the tears....
so i am going to watch "diners, drive-ins, and dives", have a glass of wine, go through the pantry to make sure i have all my cookie making supplies, and hope that i can find time to go to the free yoga class tomorrow.
