angst, it's not just for teens anymore

one would think that insecurity would fade with age. the constant need to please every person in your life overwhelming your individual desires. the fear of disapproval extinguishing your needs. when in your life do you stand up for yourself? is there a point where it is too late? will you always be a doormat? will you always cave in to what is expected of you as a wife, mother, friend, sister, and daughter? when will you put yourself first?

i have a mental list of things that i have put off doing, declaring, or feeling. i go over that list in my head every morning with the intent of scratching at least one item off of it. i start off confident while brushing my teeth, determined while pouring my coffee that today will be the day i put my foot down. today is the day i don't have a mental list anymore, but a solid one on paper to present to those who keep thwarting my path. i want to be able to look at them and say, "this, these things right here are what i want and i am tired of you bursting my bubble every time i have an idea".

these people don't do it on purpose. in fact, i allow them to do it. it is so much safer that way. i can't take a chance on anything, that would upset the balance. it is easier to blame other people in my life for my inability to accomplish or participate in things i want. i can disguise my cowardice in their selfishness.

so i didn't pursue that job that was part time midnights with benefits, i didn't apply to midwifery/doula school, never signed up for yoga, joined a gym, went back to church, joined a choir, auditioned for that play at stagecrafters, attended the white house project seminar, volunteered at planned parenthood, or took the reins on planning the holidays. it is much safer to let others tell you that your schedule is too full, things like that cost too much money, the holidays are crap, or that you really need to focus on getting your life organized before taking on anything else.

i go to bed each night, deflated, discouraged, and annoyed with myself. and so i fall asleep going through the mental list. maybe tomorrow i'll put pen to paper.