stressed out on a thursday

i am no good with clever titles. sometimes i am, but not today. my brain hurts.

i think i need to flush out my karma. something has a shadow over me, despite the gorgeously brilliant blue sky outside. it is beautiful out there and i should be outside enjoying it. i should be finishing with the halloween decorations, digging up my sage and basil, cutting down my perennials, going for a walk...anything other than sitting on my couch wallowing.

and that is what i am doing. the past 18 hours have not been the greatest. my grandmother has cancer, but we were under the impression that while it is in fact terminal, she had a while. my uncle came over unannounced last night after dinner, this is something he never does. he lives with her and it is his feeling in his gut that she doesn't have much longer. thanksgiving, beginning of december at the latest. i am calm. i am fine. i grieved two months ago when we first found out her cancer had returned with a vengeance. i spent hours in a heap on the floor of my bathroom with snot running down my face and my daughters sitting outside the door completely perplexed. the thought of her death breaks my heart. this woman, who is not biologically related to me, is the only grandma i had a relationship with. she spoiled me and loved me, but also was a source of friction between my mom and i and my brothers. i, the adopted one, was the favored grandchild. maybe she did it on purpose. maybe she felt the need to make up for the fact i wasn't biologically her grandchild by overdoing it. there were times that she made my biology an issue and sometimes made me more aware of slights and insults than i should have been. maybe they weren't even slights, maybe it was all in her head and projected into mine. either way, when she does pass, it isn't going to be pretty. she has a complicated relationship with every one in her life and that isn't complicated in a good way.

when is complicated ever good?

what else has happened? hmmm...i am suffering from my usual autumn sinus issues which keep me from sleeping well at night. i end up sleeping with my mouth open since my nasal passages are cemented shut, which leads to snoring, which means jason doesn't sleep either. the sinus issue also puts a damper on any bedroom activity for that matter. which makes me crabby. not that i feel like engaging in any of that activity anyway, i have found that i have put on at least 7 pounds in the past three weeks, this makes me feel unattractive. i can barely look at my self in the mirror as i am getting dressed let alone be naked in front of someone.

yes, i know, i gave birth to his children and he has seen me in all my undignified glory. but that was in the process of giving life. it doesn't matter. childbirth is supposed to be beautiful, human, and messy all at once. no one wants to see a muffin top over a thong. or flannel pj pants for that matter, which is all i feel less like a sardine in these days.

my seven year old will not cooperate in the morning. she is worse than a teenager. she changes her outfit three times before school, she takes forever in the bathroom, and stomps around the house breathing heavy sighs when she does not get her way. when did 7 become the new 15?

my two year old and i spent the morning in the ER. when we got to isabel's school this morning, i had my coffee in one hand and sylvie wanted to be picked up in the other. i leaned over, as i do every morning, to grasp her with my free arm. she leaned back just as i scooped her and she fell about a foot to the cement on her head. not crying, she laid there. i pulled her up and she stared at me, wobbled and closed her eyes. my heart sank and i started to panic. i sat her down on a step and checked her pupils which were fine except she kept closing her eyes. still no crying. no lump on her head, which they say is worse. i put her in the car and she just sat there. i kept talking to her and she started to perk up a little bit and was even singing along with the cd. just as we got a half mile from the house, she started nodding off. i called the husband. after calling jason, we drove to the hospital, called my mom who ended up leaving a surgery and meeting us at our curtain area. the doctor examined her, said she was fine especially since sylvie decided to start talking to everyone and playing with her toys. so now she is taking a nap, which the doctor said was okay. i needed a drink after that morning.

i am sitting here on the couch. i should be doing dishes or one of those other things aforementioned, but i am not. i am going to procrastinate and maybe have a mini milky way.

and i have to ask, why is it in movies and television that when a couple starts kissing and they really get into it and you pretty much know they are going to have sex the man takes his shirt off first? i have never had that happen in real life. real males of our species tend to take off pants before shirts in my experience.